Sarcasm Incorporated

Howdy! Here's a pic of my Nuts!

2005-10-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

Man Accused of Placing Lewd Photos on Cars because he thought "they'd find it funny".

I'm not sure but do you find the idea of a 40 year old man putting pictures of his nuts on your car funny in any way? I don't.

Mehtinks Jeffrey J. Hein's one of those folks who are a few cards short of a full deck. Now, if he'd done the goatse thing, THAT would have been funny. But only to the people who read about it, not the ones that saw it.

The Business of Businesseratin'

2005-10-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

SEPTEMBER 21, 2005, BATON ROUGE, LA (AP) - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.

"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.

"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."

The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.

"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"

However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.

"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."

"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."
Thanks to Jay for forwarding this on.

Cows - A Treatise on Political Science

2005-07-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

A forward from Jay that's worth a post but I would like to note that if being a Democrat means we get Barbra Streisand then I'm going to go and start my own damed third party.

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You think your neighbor should get a job
and buy his own damned cow.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it
to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him
how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both
and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point
you have to sell both to support
a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from
your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,
pays you for the milk, and then
pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself
and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce
the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond,
drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk,
and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand
13 weeks of paid vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
But you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch
any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim
a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed
attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best,
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state
tell you which is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid,
sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow
to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender,
non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes
to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of
1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming
you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows
your business failure is Bush's fault

Stupid is the New Hot

2005-05-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the United States of America circa 2005, a nation that celebrates stupidity, bimboism and unquestioned loyalty is called patriotism.

This is the year where dumbfuck rich twits like Paris Hilton become even more famous because, well, they're rich and can. Of the top 20 most viewed pictures at Yahoo, 10 are of this insipid moron trying to look mysterious, trying to look like there's something going on between those ears.

And what has she done to deserve all this adoration? Well, nothing. Oh wait, her star began to rise when that pathetically bad fuzzy green porn was leaked onto the internet and the world got to see her tiny little pointy titties and watch her interupt sex to giggle to another of her trust fund pals who haven't had to work a real day in their lives. Yeah, go bimboism, go idiocy.

And it is going to get worse, much, much worse. Bimboism is on the rise in this nation. From Britney to Jessica to their bastard little siblings to Christina to Anna Nicole to Lindsey. Stupid is the new hot.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you do as long as you look fabulous doing it. And as long as you would lose a battle of wits with a fence post.

Stupid is the New Hot.

Drinks as Personality Pointers

2005-04-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

Forwarded on by Jay

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks (and how you approach them if you're interested in them). Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Girl Drinks

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...
Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Guy Drinks

Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.

White Zin: He's gay.

Keep this in mind the next time you stop by the pub for a drink on the way home and see who's sipping what and what they are there for.

Look at my Striped Shirt, Fucking Look At It!

2005-04-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

Look at my Striped Shirt!

This is the spirit of Sarcasm Incorporated. And its damned funny too. Are you wearing a striped shirt right now?

Evolution's the Damnest Thing

2005-04-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

or How Can Something Like "The Wiggles" Have Evolved?

It really is amazing to consider that, a hundred years ago, we were just getting started with internal combustion engines. Five hundred years ago, we were just "discovering" America from the people who had settled here a few thousand years before.

Now turn back to now and consider The Wiggles (I linked to the 2nd index because the other home page has a damned loud introduction). Now, I understand that kids love, love, LOVE the Wiggles. My boy likes them well enough but doesn't care for the talking parts much, he likes the music and dancing. Which is fine, Tivo's plenty useful for this as well.

And tonight he up and danced and jiggled himself to the music all on his own, with a great big grin on his face. Either that or he was having a poop, it really is hard to tell sometimes. He held onto my knee for balance but it was all him.

I understand its for him and not me and thats fine and all. But I sit and watch it with him. And its not for me, at all. I find myself analyzing Greg, Anthony, Murray and Jeff and all the others, Captain Feathersword? yoiks dude, what's up?

I find myself watching their eyes. Watching them all to look for signs of something, signs of dissent, signs of inner turmoil, signs of over-with-it-itis. Not to mention the strange and rampant stereotypings.

Jeff's Chinese, Cantonese, I think. And he's a narcoleptic. Hmm, lazy Chinaman? Check.

Anthony's an Aussie, a twinkle in his eye and a penchant for trickery and thievery and gluttony. Nice.

Murray, Murray's a fucking Martian, look at those damned eyes and his ungainly movements. I see more "Holy fuck, what kind of strange, fucked up fucking world have I found myself on, these humans are the most bizarre creatures I've ever come across. And children are very tasty."

And then Greg, Greg who looks like a huge version of everyone's childhood friend. From the surgically enhanced dimples, to the extra gleam in his, boom in his song and just that little bonus shimmy during the dance numbers. Greg's actually a robot, a really, really good one (yes, they make a female version but it costs like $38 million so forget it). There's no chance a real human could behave the way he does show in and show out. Either that or he's the real life Julius from Twins, the original super shake kid, now with extra white, white, white teeth and a can't stop me grin.

I could continue, oh, you don't mind some more? Good.

Captain Feathersword, egads, who comes up with a pirate named Feathersword? I know there were gay pirates but I pretty highly doubt they used feathers for swords or danced for their exercise. And anyone who says "Me hearties" as often as Captain F should be planked up and down the walk, that is, beat about the head and shoulders with a 2x6.

And why is the mute policeman an obvious woman with a badly drawn mustache and enormous feet? What message are they sending? Cops have big feet and feminine bodies and can't talk?

And in spite of it all, in spite of the deeply freaky and disturbing nature of the show to me, I love watching my kid watch it. Because its not for me, not at all.

Patrick Henry in My Heart

2005-03-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

No man things poorly of our armed service man and women because their trunks do not have magnetic ribbons on them. No woman questions the abilities of the officers who direct our soldiers in the field both domestically and abroad. But different people often see the same subject with different lights; and as I model this address after Patrick Henry's more apt oration please do not think me disrespectful to those soldiers if my thoughts and ideas contradict those in suits and ties who direct our troops within the Arabian World, for I will speak my thoughts without reservation.

This is not the time for blind nationalism. The question facing our people is both a miraculous and awful opportunity for this country. In my mind and heart I consider it nothing less than the choice between honoring a century old partnership with the international community and divorcing our brothers and sisters abroad in favor of a throne; and in proportion the importance of our decision will frame whether our children and grandchildren will live in a unified prosperity where international issues will be space exploration, medical discovery, and a philosophy based on honoring all people; or a broken land where religious tradition strangles science, where ignorance will be rewarded and curiosity repressed. In the history of our world this has already happened. After the fall of Rome, Europe was left a broken toy of children emperors. We as a people took five hundred years to emerge from their darkness. So as I wet my lips, should I fear my actions to be those of treason toward my country and disloyalty to G-d as our forefathers once did? Has the accomplishments of two hundred and twenty-nine years be reduced so?

Mr. President, it is natural to indulge one self with the illusion of patriotism. It is only human to shut our eyes against a painful truth, and listen to Toby Keith. It is always tempting to react instead of think. But is that the responsible action of men engaged in a great struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the number of those who have eyes and ears, but ignore them for the sake of temporary satisfaction? For my part, whatever pain imbibed, it is warmer to know the truth than to take solace in a lie.

I have taken along a path which is well worn but ill understood. The lights along my way are the voices that have come before me entreating, demanding, and at times begging; because, the ears of men need to hear these words in every circumstance: the voices of a race that fled Egypt to find a new home; the voices of Pilgrims who left their homes to find something more; and the voice of a subjugated people as they sang, "We Shall Overcome". My guides are Hope and my teachers History. I ask you where is Our People's Hope as their daughters and sons are delivered home broken. Where is our sincerity in hiding their pains? And judging by your past, I want to know how a crusade against our parents' security, a war to begin all wars, and utter disregard for the sanctity of our land is the justified conduct of a cabinet. Are you the caretaker of this house?

I do not trust you. You betray us with your stride, and console us with your smirk. You are a deaf emperor without clothes consoling himself because he cannot hear the children laughing, he cannot see his brothers in pain, and he cannot hear his parents too hungry to speak. Our fleets and armies abroad blind us to our shackles and torture at home. Do not fool yourself -- oppression renamed patriotism does not freedom become. What good is a war to preserve American values when it is fought through their very repression? These are the last arguments made before a coronation. These are the shackles of diplomacy. This is the Amendment of History.

And what have we to oppose you? We have our voices, we have our prayers, and we have our vote. Sir, steer clear from the storm. There is no future in a crusade against a white whale. We entreat you for your future as much as for our own. Yet, our voice has fallen unheard. Our prayers have fallen among the thorns and bushes. Our vote has yet to be counted. Have I anything new to offer? I have my words committed to paper and mind so I share them. Know that your path was chosen against council. We have become Cargo on your ship impotent to avert the course. We have entreated you as a brother, we have made demands upon you as our representative, and we have begged from the foot of your throne. And we sob when in vanity your court cries, "Mandate!"

There is one road left. If we wish to preserve our identity as a people, our values as a nation, and our hope for this City on a Hill. We must confront. We must question. We must abandon the notion of compromise and take the hard value of responsibility. You will no longer have our compassion. With that skill we must fight. I will repeat it, WE MUST FIGHT. I do not appeal to arms, I appeal to accountability: responsibility for the torture of foreign citizens; culpability for the lie that has led over 1,000 American Children to die in Iraq; and the future burden of millions of America's Greatest Generation dying in poverty. My hope lies in your History. Man has never seen someone so free of accountability. Sir, we as a people are not weak when we face our demons. In our broad shoulders the burden of many lies. You have traveled on the backs of corporations ripping apart the land and leaving the waste behind. Our backs are heavy with the innocent injured you have left behind to feed your machine. When you cannot run, you crawl. And when you cannot crawl you find someone to carry you. We have a strong back Mr. President. We hope that it is strong enough to carry the children you have left behind. We hope that it is strong enough to carry the voices of the parents who have lost their children. Most of all we hope -- but we will no longer allow you to stoke your fire. And when the time comes your suit of straw will make better kindling than additional burden.

It is acceptable to take the time to understand. Man is most holy when we have the strength to change the things we can, the humility to accept the things we cannot, and the wisdom to always know the difference. And while we toil internally to understand our differences maybe the important question has been asked, At the end of the day have we solved more problems than we have created? In my own life I think of the things I have built and I find pride in the charges I have seem come to fruition in my care. Steward of America, dare you stand on these scales?

It would be vain to continue. Some who share my ideals are still waiting for you to listen but you will not. Your war on our people began three years ago. We stood by you when the first plane struck. We stood by you as our first planes flew to Afghanistan. But do not think for one minute that my nightmare was not magnified when I saw you at the helm. Life is to sweet and peace is a lie when it is purchased at the price of silence and servitude. Give me justice or give me death.

Its Aftershave, Its Cow Urine, Its Aftershave, Its Cow Urine

2005-03-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

From the long pantheon of really bad consumer product concepts, here's the latest, Cow Urine Aftershave but wait, there's more. There's a political angle to these wares, the main opposition party in India is selling items made from cow urine and dung.

Now, I realize that there are some significant cultural differences between what I grew up with and what a typical Indian has grown up with. And I know that the cow is a sacred object in the Hindu religion. But still, come on now, you're using piss as an aftershave?

And the only thing you're going to cure with a pill made from cow shit is fresh breath.

Pope Tells World To Quit Bugging Him

2005-02-25T10:57:00.000-08:00

Got a better caption? Bust it out, sucka!

You Have a Blog and Ted Rall is Pissed About It

2005-02-24T10:26:00.000-08:00

But Who Watches the Watchdogs?

Basically, Ted's got an issue with all of these unsubstantiated bloggers making what appears to be news claims about the world without any culpability.

To which I would ask, what about the plants in the White House Press Corps with no journalistic credentials and a night job selling his ass to the highest bidder? That seems to be slightly more dangerous to Big Media's flagging integrity and importance rather than the blogging world.

Besides, there is accountability. If someone repeatedly posts false or misleading information that's debunked on a regular basis then that blog will migrate to the fringe and people just won't read it anymore (or the ones that do read it are looking for an echo chamber for their own stupidity).

Blogging is a self policing universe. There are an inordinate number of people who check people's posts and facts and then call bullshit when appropriate.

Blogging has become an important part of the news cycle in this country and around the world. Its here to stay and that's a good thing. Someone or something has gotta keep the talking heads honest (are you reading me, Fox News? you don't make the news, you're supposed to report it, now quit changing people's quotes to suit your fucking agenda. And fire Brit Hume!).

Which America Hating Minority Are You?

2005-02-23T10:20:00.000-08:00

I am an Intellectual

Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

via

Sex is for FAGS!

2005-02-18T23:02:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't recommend clicking this link unless you have a sense of humor but these fellas over there are saying Sex is for FAGS! but I'm pretty sure they're just joking.

To which a colleague replied, Hmm. When sex is only for fags, all those who have sex will become fags.
Excellent. My plan has finally come to fruit-ition.

Shotgun Golf with Bill Murray

2005-02-16T14:02:00.000-08:00

Bow down before the master, Hunter Thompson offers a new sport, Shotgun Golf.

Rock on, Dr, Rock. On!

Vagina Day

2005-02-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

Why does Peter Paul screw it up at Halloween and not on Valentine's Day? Maybe I'm crazy or the modelling glue is losing its kick but the Halloween Almond Joys, they were the half bar size and they only came with a single almond. Nowhere near enough nut coverage for the chocolate and coconut mass below.

No, the VD, which can and should be used interchangably with Vagina Day, since that's pretty much what today is all about. Vaginas. Not penises. But that's cool, if a guy plays his cards right, he can get laid. Or, if he doesn't he can buy a $1299 diamond bracelet that's sure to get him some of that celebration that is for the guys about Vagina Day.

But its alright. The VD Almond Joys? They're sized just right. About an inch and a quarter across, round not square, maybe three quarters of an inch thick without the almond, a little over an inch with it. All covered in milk chocolate. That's three solid flavors in one easy little package. Candy done right. Why is this stuff so hard?

Ghirardeli, aside from having a crazy hard name to type, can't be bothered to make a heart shaped chocolate for Vagina Day? What crawled up their tube and died? I'd say they're the most irritatingly named chocolatier (which is a cool job title) around here is Sharfenbarger or something like it. Rapenmeinearin, more like.

Maybe they aren't from around here. Ah, anyway, Trader Joe's has the best deal on nice chocolates from Europe, some with hazelnuts in it, some with raspberry bits. I don't care for the dark chocolates all that much but once in a great while, you know, just to make sure I'm not missing anything.

Nice, Iron Chef's got a Chocolate Battle on right now. Sakei against some lady making neat stuff. I've always wanted a huge marble counter top to do chocolate like that, make the cool choco-fences and sculptures.

But that would involve moving and that would be just fine too. I think I'm gonna go take a look at properties for sale. Remind me to write up a nice post about the ratfaced dick next door.

Making Bets You Just Shouldn't Intend on Keeping

2005-02-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

From the The People's Republic of Seabrook comes Another DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener.

This one is the sad story of an English soccer fan who was convinced his team would win. So convinced that he swore to his drunken pub mates that he'd cut his balls off if the other team won.

They did and no one expected him to make good. But he went home, sliced off his nutsac and went back to the bar to show his mates that he's a man of his word.

Without a trace of irony, police said he has a history of mental problems. And not a mild drinking problem, I'd say.

How to Poop at Work

2005-02-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

As Jay notes, this is an oldie but a goodie.

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of theopposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

Almost as Much Fun as a Sucking Chest Wound!

2005-02-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

Mark Morford of the SF Chronicle takes on why people still use Windows. Why Does Windows Still Suck?

Dean...yes.

2005-02-03T13:31:00.000-08:00

I have grown increasingly unhappy regarding my impression of my party, the Democrats. There are few true leaders in the party. There are fewer lights among those. When it boils down, Howard Dean is the perfect strategic leader for the party. Aside from Dean, there is absolutely no seasoned leaders with the ability to form cohesive platforms.

Hilary suffers from "Missingpenisitis" and "Kerry-ism". Consistently trying to prove her abilities as a leader she continues to fail to understand that Senators do not, have not, and will not be viable presidental contenders. She is a good member of the party, and if she had the desire could be a potentially good strategist, but not a leading candidate.

Lieberman? The Orthodox Jew (only pertinent because I do believe politics is essentially a 24/7 scenario and the entire no working from Friday evening to Saturday eveningis disturbing to me) who is for censorship in the arts, and governmental regulations of media? The man's a republican fer christ'sakes!!

Right, come on now. What happened to freedom of speech? of expression? Present administration aside are these not the cornerstones of America? I mean Jesus! for some reason inclusion of specific wording defining marriage is a constitutional imperitive yet "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press". Means hiring newscasters to present your belief system as politic fact is legitimate?

I understand cynicism with the process and the people. But who is being criticised? The people who scream over victories or the people who make believe that countries have weapons of destruction?

Hold the Dem's to their words, yes but use a scale to judge the mistruths or injustices and understand Political jargon for politic jargon.

Fishy Wine or Whiny Fish?

2005-01-31T13:14:00.000-08:00

Words defy me, China's Fish Wine.

No wait, no they don't. The idea of drinking wine made from a fermented fish makes me want to puke.

"Experts said the wine is nutritious and contains low alcohol," Xinhua said.

Oooh, so its good for you AND won't get you drunk? It'll go over like a balloon filled with lead.

RE: Replacement of Mouse Balls

2005-01-31T13:08:00.000-08:00

Not sure, some of you may have already seen this....

From IT:

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Bal removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

SI Public Service Alert!

2005-01-28T09:27:00.000-08:00

An important and dangerous PSA from your Pals at Sarcasm Incorporated. Forwarded to my attention by Jay.

Date Rape Drug

Please be sure to pass this along to all the MEN you care about!!!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local bars to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females
use a date rape drug on the market which is sometimes called "Draft Beer".

The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

Beer is used by the female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman need only to
get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no
strings attached sex. Men are seemingly rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to their desires to perform sexual acts with the women. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something really bad occurred." At other times these unfortunate (victims) men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' and the women administering it.....there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phonebook.

Critical Inaugural Balloon News Update!

2005-01-19T20:06:00.000-08:00

Special Report on Inaugural Balloons from our friends at Buck Fush (tick, tick, tick, ahhhh, hahahahaha). Go see 'em.

This year, you'll need to take special care using those Mylar balloons that have become such a traditional part of all Presidential Inaugurations. Although the no fly zone has been extended out 23 miles, a stray balloon or two could cause major havoc in the Washington area around the time of the President's speech. Realizing this potential problem, the editors at Buck Fush have developed a simple checklist that will help keep the skies clear above the glorious celebration.

1. Make sure you keep a handle on all of your Mylar balloons, especially if you are upwind of Washington, D.C. in the early morning of the 20th.

2. Consider the time when you transport your balloons. For instance, if the wind speed is 15mph and you are 30 miles upwind from Washington, make sure you don't accidentally release any balloons 2 hours before the Ceremony. Keep in mind that winds aloft are stronger than on the surface, so this may not be a perfect formula for determining the worse time to lose a balloon, it may be sooner. Whatever you do, don't lose them at 15 minute intervals, because if all of them were lost this way, at least one would most certainly be overhead during the Inauguration which would be a real disaster.

3. Don't tie long strips of aluminum foil on your balloons. This is very dangerous, because if one of your balloons was accidentally blown from your hands, these bits of foil would make the balloon have a radar cross section of a 747. You wouldn't want the Air Force to think the skies over Washington were filled with commercial airliners, especially in the no fly zone.

4. Always wear gloves when handling your Mylar balloons. The sharp edges can cause cuts on your hand if not handled properly, and besides, who wants those smudgy fingerprints, that ruin the shiny surface, for all to see.

5. Although not a safety concern, I recommend buying your balloons from a local florist. They can give better deals than the major department store, largely because their business overhead does not include things like security cameras that watch your every move. Additionally, many florists offer a cash discount, which I personally like since it doesn't show up on my credit card at the end of the month and confuse me.

6. Remember, a full balloon will pop sooner, so there will be no problem with it drifting very far. A balloon which is not filled all the way will expand as it rises and will float a great distance. Be careful about this, most people think the opposite.

Hopefully, enough people in the Washington area will take this advice and there will be no problems in the skies over the Inauguration. After all, you wouldn't want the President's speech drown out by the sounds of interceptor jets, would you?

Buck Fush

Sorry... but another XM post

2005-01-19T09:46:00.000-08:00

Alrighty, my last post wasn't particularly "about" XM radio, but this one is. So I'm a newshead. The blogging is really just a result of my need to vent my frustration with most current talking newsheads. On top of that, as I've mentioned once or twice I'm a record producer. These are just my hobbies.

Today at work I have listened to Bob Edwards in a wonderful interview with writer W. D. Wetherell and Rolling Stones writer Anthony DeCurtis. I then listened to the Wall Street Journal morning show on America Right and once that ended listened to Al Franken on America Left. Since then I've shuffled between Blues, Bluegrass, Folk, and Comedy. So far I've caught Lewis Black, Dave Chappel, Robin Williams, and the Jerky Boys.

Now, I'm not saying this is for everyone. But for me, its amazing. I love it. And if you are as information dependant as I am, give it a try.

Best,
e.

To the Power of XM

2005-01-13T13:14:00.000-08:00

So here's one of those days that just doesn't go the way you hoped it would. Woke my ass up at five AM per usual but didn't really get out of bed. Just had one of those mornings where you looking outside at the rain and fog and think, "heck, I can stay here for a while". So come 8:30 I actually got my rear end rolling and was at work by 9:15.

Work today wasn't really worth the getting out of bed. I need to do a quick explaination first though. I work like a crazy man... as long as there's work to do. When there isn't work to do I am a slug because I'm not going to make myself look busy if there isn't anything to do.

Insurance as an industry is the perfect example of stretches of tedium followed by moments of complete terror... except opposite. Most of the time I'm working like a crazy man but every now and again I catch up on all the fires and to be frank, I get bored. I don't like being bored. Its why I keep so much on my plate with the art center and the recording. Boredom drives me batty. So basically I'm sitting at work for information to come back so I can go visit a client and get something done that the carrier really should have taken care of long ago. Its a buerocratic nightmare. Craziness.

So I get a call mid-day from the art center. Turns out we've been closed down by the building inspector because he's ticked we got him in trouble three months ago due to complete incompetance (the funny part was watching him try to explain to the state inspector how he signed off on the building of a stage but didn't know we were a performance space). So, I got my wish, boredom resolved. Now I have to call four musicians and explain why they no longer had a paid gig. This stuff kills me.

Speaking of which, I do want to take a moment to express my sorrow over the death of Mike Smith of too fuckin' scared to create. I didn't know him, but I've been reading his blog for about a half year. This isn't the time to talk politics, most of you know how I feel anyway, but for what little its worth my heart goes out to Mike's family and friends. From what I could discern he was and is a stand-up guy.

So what's with my title? The best part of my last week has been listening to my XM radio at work. I was in the office until 8:30 last evening but I was able to listen to "This American Life" and the "Bob Edwards Show." There was a phenominal interview with Sister Helen Prejean of Dead Man Walking fame. I would love to see this woman speak live. Tremendous women without doubt. Sold me and took me off the fence. I am now completely against the death penalty.

So today was the suck. No doubt, but there's always tomorrow.

Best all,
e. out

Tofu news from our O'Doul's President

2005-01-07T08:23:00.000-08:00

Small post... mostly because I'm so disgusted that I can't even find the words right now. Bush and his administration were recently scolded for releaseing a fake news piece where the anchor pretends that he's reporting news when in fact its a paid advertisement from the department of Health. Have we sunk so low? Was there a message that even Fox News wouldn't put on? Has our govenment degraded to the point where our leaders simply manufacture their own news reports so that no one can interpret the message? All you conservatives how can you not be outraged? Where's your freedom here? Somehow attacking Iraq and occupying a nation on the other side of the world benefits your freedom, yet being subjected to blatently false manafactured reports is the benefit of living in this society?

G-d damn!! Our country is going to hell for everyone and half of us are too stubborn to see it.

Don't think of an elephant!

2005-01-07T07:06:00.000-08:00

So how's that working for you? I'm going to skip my usual rant on government and rather gripe about society a bit. There's this thing that really urks me -- its called lawsuits. Now, don't get me wrong: there is a time and a place; but, I recently had to talk to an acquaintance about legal liability as it related to slip and falls and she was in the process of both suing her landlord who failed to shovel her driveway for her, and the local YMCA on behalf of her mother who fell down and broke her leg while climbing the bleachers. Now, she'll win both of these. I have no doubt. Our system has deemed that if you hurt yourself somewhere its the owners fault, but despite the legal precadent I still have a hard time with the notion.

Also, it just irks me that this is the attitudial (look it up its in the dictionary!) standard. "Fault" as we Americans define it is generally defined as "that responsibility which is not ours." I work in insurance and its not very handy for me to complain about my bread and butter, but ante up people! Accept responsibility!! From now on, when something happens to you -- if you slip on ice ask, "did I know there was ice there?" If you trip on stairs ask, "am I clumsy?". And really to clarify, its not that I have a problem with justifiable lawsuits relating to illmanaged land or property. My problem is people whose first reaction to an injury is to call an ambulance chaser and pin the responsibility on someone else.

Now, I do my best in my ranting to not only point out the systematic issues I have but also to propose solutions. All conservatives stop reading because you're going to hate what I'm about to say -- UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE!! I can hear the groans across the netwires, but seriously think about it. If all you can do is sue for pain and suffering, all of a sudden all you do to "earn" money is prove that some wrong has been done to you that is so grievous that the verdict is based on punishment of a party who has clearly demonstrated negligence in their responsibilities instead of based upon the existence of a potential hazard that may or may not have been correctly contemplated by the landowner and or corporation.

I'm jaded yes, but I'm jaded due to two-years of listening to the most bogus lawsuits you can imagine enough so that if I head to a school of law, Defense is becoming more attractive simply because I'd love to put the smackdown on professional lawsuit propogators.

Just a couple of examples and then the steam will have been blown:

http://www.geek.com/news/geeknews/2005Jan/gee20050107028590.htm
Here you can read about an asshat who is suing apple for not making iTunes and an iPod exactly the way he wants it. Is his frustration valid, certainly -- but, is it worthy of a lawsuit? Definitively not. I truly hope he gets countersued for liable... Idiot.

http://yalenewhavenhealth.org/HealthNews/reuters/NewsStory0516200329.htm
Another great whiner -- Steven Joseph sued Oreo Cookies for their use of trans-fat in their product. Listen, I'm not in the best shape in the world (unless my goal was a pear in which case I'm closer than I'd like to admit). But I don't blame a soul for it (except for my high-school girlfriend who dumped me...... g-d I need some Ben and Jerry's). This suit is SOO bogus that we find out that Mr. Joseph's only cause for raising the suit was for the publicity he knew it would afford him.

http://www.cincypost.com/2003/06/17/suit061703.html
So, you've cleared the snow. You've sanded the lot... heck you may even install underground warmers so that folks will have perfect traction. However, that does not limit your liability as seen by Mr. Perkins and his attorney Mr. Drake "suedhismotherforspanking" Ebner. After Mr. Perkins was struck by lightning in the parking lot at paramount King Island in Cincinnati Mr. Ebner accused the amusement park of failing to warn patrons to stay away from their vehicles due to their obvious electric conductivity. Mr. Ebner, if you're reading this I hope the money helps fill the void in your life where goodwork and common sense once resided. I conscious-ectomy may be a very lucrative procedure the inability to walk in the sun and aversion to garlic is a high price to pay indeed.

Anyway, I've vented and hopefully whoever is reading this won't become so offended that I'm served papers. But except your own G-d damn responsibility! I am imperfect and so are you -- live with that and we'll have a much happier planet. I promise.

What Star Wars Really Needs...

2004-11-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

...is to be directed by Quentin Tarentino. Really, what better way to spice up the series could you think of? In fact, here's a list of 46 things that would be way better if Tarentino managed to get his hands on Star

46. Stormtroopers are spray-painted so they aren't all "Mr. White"

45. Darth Vader dances around as he tortures Han Solo to the song "Stuck In The Middle With You." Then he looks at the guard and says "Bring in the gimp."

44. Mace Windu with a 'fro.

43. Releasing the episodes in the order of 6,3,2,4,5, and finaly 1 just so people won't notice how uninteresting the entire hexilogy is.

42. John Williams score replaced by surf music.

41. Everyone dies. EVERYONE.

40. Anakin would give Padame a foot masage after which he gets trown off the balcony by Mace Winu settleing the arguement once and for all...

39. Womp rats may taste like pumpkin pie but I'd never know 'cause I'll never eat the filthy *&$*@&!&@*#*

38. Instead of handing Luke his fathers lightsaber, Ben gives him some vampire stakes, holy water, and a huge submachinegun.

37. Yoda: "Hungry, I am. Taco, we will get."

36. Anakin and Padme doing the bat-dance

35. Mace Windu tells Padme, "Try not to tear his robes off, OK? They're new."

34. There would be confusion throughout the movie, until the end, when Yoda and Obi-Wan sneak out the back, as all the remaining Jedi kill each other.

33. When a Stormtrooper empties his blaster and doesnt hit Han or Luke, Luke thinks it was divine intervention...

32. Instead of hands, the Skywalkers now get their ears cut off

31. Jabba would have a band-aid on the back of his neck, sparking endless online debate

30. Obi-Wan refuses to tip Dexter, and takes 10 minutes to explain why

29. "Death Stick?" "I quit." (pause) "Why, you got one?"

28. "Say Utini again... SAY UTINI AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU M...F....!!!"

27. Mace Windu would always quote The Journal of the Whills before he killed someone...

26. Screw that, I'm watching Godzilla vs. Disco Lando!

25. Instead of the Death Star destroying planets, the Empire would have a briefcase that did it.

24. Rumours that R2-D2 is really carrying Tarkin's soul

23. Han Solo and Lando Calrisian in the cantina talking about what Sy Snootles *really* sings about (this is the point where they say screw the PG rating)

22. Natalie Portman in a gold bikini - for the entire movie

21. Don't be tellin' me about no Jedi's - I'm the Jedi fuckin' master

20. Obi-Wan - The way your dad looked at it, this lightsaber was your birthright. He'd be damned if any of the jawas were gonna get their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright.

19. "On Kessel, it's legal to buy it, legal to own it, and if you're the proprietor of a spice mine, it's legal to sell it."

18. Bocce!!!!, do you speak it?!?!

17. Lot's and lot's of Death sticks. And you wouldn't even have to rethink your life.

16. Sign on front lawn that says "Dead Jawa Storage."

15. In Return of the Jedi the film ends with The Emperor and Darth Vader shooting each other just before the Stormtroopers arrive.

14. Greedo gets shot while sitting in the bathroom on the Millenium Falcon.

13. Luke:"Obi-Wan, what's that name supposed to mean?" Obi-Wan:"I'm a Jedi, our names don't mean shit."

12. "Bantha-burgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast!"

11. pulp fanfiction

10. Instead of Obi Wan, Luke talks to the ghost of Elvis.

9. "Well, the thing on my mind right now isn't the good coffee in my cup, it's the dead gungan in my garage."

8. Whenever Mace Windu turns on his lightsaber he says "Oh, I'm sorry did I break your concentration?"

7. (as the emperor zaps luke) "...and you will know I AM A SITH when I lay my hands upon thee!!!"

6. "Well, you've got a cool name like TK-421. How about I just be TK-705? I'll be TK-705."

5. There goes the PG rating!

4. Yoda: "Your weapons... you will undoubtedly need them!"

3. It take 20 parsecs to get there. I'll be there in 10

2. Han shots first...over...and over...and over...and over...

1. When the interrogation droid approaches leia "Stuck in The Middle with You" starts playing

The Paradox of the Tagger aka Mr. Never Gonna Amount to Anything

2004-11-16T11:01:00.000-08:00

I live in a town where some walls have been decorated by those folks that like to spray paint on public property as their hobby, taggers.

And I'm always struck by the paradox or the irony of the tagger. This is someone going well out of their way to leave their special mark in a highly visible place in order to impress upon society their importance or something.

But the people that resort to tagging as a means of expression are almost certainly not going to be remembered for anything, they're not going to do anything of worth and their only impact on the world is to mark it up with their childish little tags.

There are exceptions, of course. Those artists that begin as taggers but their talent rapidly moves them from brick as a canvas to canvas as a canvas. Their skill removes them from their initial element. But those are few and far between and most tags are kind of stupid stylized takes on their initials or some word that means something special to them.

Taggers, in an effort to gain some measure of recognition are, ironically, not really worth recognizing. A strange little catch-22, that.

The Bar is dropped and the Line pulled Right

2004-11-09T07:37:00.000-08:00

In the New England region through my (fairly short) life I have generally been critiqued as being too moderate for a liberal. I am all for economic conservatism, while I am not for heartless cutting of successful social programs it does disturb me when our taxes are used to subsidize unfit foster programs and abused welfare systems. Aside from that I have never believed that minority rights groups (largely subsidized by governmental agencies and affiliates) do anything positive for this country. But I admit, I am an agnostic Scot. I was born with the blessing of white skin, so I am speaking only from my observance, not my personal first hand knowledge.

Bush changed that. I apparently no longer straddle the mid-line of political belief because socially I am liberal, which makes me really f*cin' liberal by this administration's standards. Kerry was defeated in this election for many reasons but primarily I believe it was because Carl Rove and the Bushites successfully tugging the median line as far to the right as they could. In America, liberal is still a dirty word. Despite John Kerry, who no matter how you cut it is a VERY conservative Democrat, standing for the war and standing against gay marriage (face it folks, he wasn't going to be the rainbow party's great liberator) he became the most liberal senator. That just doesn't gel. And I hate that in national politics I now feel like an extremist. Why for the love of all things holy is someone that preaches fiscal responsibility, health care sense, and moderate social programs a strong liberal? Give me Howard Dean! Give me Bill Clinton! These were liberals! How about George J. Mitchell from Maine!? While the bar of expectation in our leader lowers, the line on how to judge them becomes skewed. This entire country may need eye surgery instead of an "I" mentality.

And the Award for Musical Fucktard of the Day Goes to...

2004-10-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

Ashlee Simpson! With her rousing performance on SNL, she has shown music fans all over how "live" the music on the television show Saturday Night Live really is. She follows in a strong tradition of lip synchers that dates all the way back to the classic artists of the trade, Milli Vanilli, and can be seen to be practiced by such modern artists as Madonna and Britney Spears. As opposed to many of Ashlee's current peers, she has finally gone out of her way to show us, her many musical fans, the trick of the trade she so much excels at.

At this very moment, I am beside myself in how much I admire such a wonderful performance by such a highly regarded artist. She's given us a glimpse of what it is like to be a musician in today's pop industry. After seeing it, I now know that if I really wanted to, I could easily succeed in today's musical climate. My lack of a singing voice can no longer hold me back. All I need to do is move my lips and people will think I'm actually singing. It's such a great idea that I don't know why all musical artists don't just do it.

So again, Ashlee, I would like to congratulate you on winning today's Musical Fucktard award. You really earned it!

Smackdown in the MetaTalk

2004-10-23T01:11:00.000-07:00

So I've been spending a fairly inordinate amount of time reading and commenting on MetaFilter lately. I don't know why, oh wait, yeah I do, its a great place for information and right now, its an interesting place to talk politics and see alot of the dirty tricks being waged this ugliest of electoral seasons.

So anyway, there's a member of the community that just doesn't really like me much at all. He likes to direct his rage at me (and I actually coined a new blog title just for him, Impotent, Misdirected Fury) and I don't mind commenting with him most times.

But there are times when people are just aggravated and hot. It happens to me, hell yeah, it happens to me. But I recognize it, its something I know and work on. I did well today, had a great ride home through the traffic, playing cat and mouse with some drivers who I watched try to put their cars into my path, subtlely but intentionally. But other days I get to the point where I can get my blood boiling in a heart beat because of something I've read. Sure, it stupid but hey, I'm a work in progress, sue me.

Tonight's episode of BS vs. fenriq or him vs. me. Whichever you prefer.

The backstory is that one member, an outspoken critic of the recent and sometimes tiring inclination of the front page posts being mostly political in nature, put up a protest post that was stupid and got him booted from the community for a couple of weeks (about the worst penalty for a misbehaving infraction I've seen though I'm sure some people have had to be checked out permanently, ooh, that's a good question for the AskMe!).

I responded to another member's post regarding the reaction to the post. Bear in mind that MeFi has one sheriff, Matt. It's his site. What he says, goes. Kow tow to that and there will be no trouble. He's referred to variously.

You guys are all really freakin out over a silly post. Not supporting reklaw [the member just put on a timeout] (though I got nothing against you man), but people really seem to get hyper emotional over something like this. Does this really destroy your life in such a way as to insult the man doing it? Wow. I must have MUCH bigger problems.
posted by Deitnan at 1:34 PM PST on October 21

Dantien, the point isn't that people are shitting on reklaw, its that reklaw is shitting on the people. Lots of people are tired of the political post parade, that doesn't mean anyone should just vent their frustrations by posting a ridiculous and childish post.

No one's being forced to read any of the FPP's, I'm not sure why those folks that are ready for something different can't just ignore them and read the FPP's they want to.

I'm as tired as everyone else is of this election season but that doesn't mean that there aren't still important things to spread the word about. My post today was political but had a different bend on it, the chance to choose a candidate by thier stance on the issues rather than the spin in the media. Sure, its not perfect but I thought it was interesting enough to post.

And yes, we'll all be happy once the election's over (as long as its a clean fight and no nut punches or stuffed ballots or illegal voter disqualifications).
posted by fenriq at 1:54 PM PST on October 21

a few posts down that didn't have much to do with these comments comes ol' BS
"No one's being forced to read any of the FPP's, I'm not sure why those folks that are ready for something different can't just ignore them and read the FPP's they want to."

Yeah, fuck you too.

"I'm as tired as everyone else is of this election season"

Looking at at your posting and commenting lately, I don't know how you can say that. Pretty much every other comment you make is bush=hitler blah blah blah.
posted by bs at 4:04 PM PST on October 21
An unrelated comment, then my reply and another member's.

Bob, what's your problem? Are you turning back to trollbait again? You were doing so well, I'd almost forgotten what a tool you really are.

The point I raised is a pretty clear cut one. You don't like a post then, here's a blinding light of reason mind beam straight into that dense chalky goo you call a brain, DON'T READ IT! Why that doesn't sink into you angry apolitical loons doesn't make any sense to me.

There are plenty of posts I have no interest in and don't read. What's so hard about that?

I've never (to my admittedly spotty memory) posted anything saying Bush is Hitler. I've written it on my own site but tough shit if you don't like what I write on my own place. Show me where I've said Bush = Hitler. Show me or shut up. I don't like Bush, got a problem with that? Meet me behind the school and will fight it out. Let's see, what have I posted recently to the front page? Get Steve Jobs' Mansion......Free! Delivery Extra (hmm, subtley political perhaps? Nope), Turd Birds - Art from Horse Turds (gross but not political unless you think your candidate is a turd), Two Women Sentenced to Death for Adultery, Men Released for Lack of Evidence (oh yeah, this is all about the election, yep), How Berkeley Can You Be Parade? (oh yes, there were some political parade people in that, oh so sorry), Arnold Signs Prison Smoking Ban (Arnold's a politician so I guess you're counting that one as well?).

I could go on but why bother? Yes, I do post political things when I feel like they bring something to the table. Don't read any of my posts if you don't like them, I really couldn't give a damn to have your snotty little input anyway.

Here, I post things I find interesting. Matt used to routinely delete my posts, now he doesn't.

If he had a problem with them, that's one thing. If you have a problem with them then, well, tough shit.
posted by fenriq at 4:17 PM PST on October 21

bob's problem is he's an annoying blight on the community. you didn't figure that out yet? he's also probably kinda upset that he did the same thing reklaw did a month or two ago (talk about news here, bitches! or something like that) and didn't get so much attention.

waaaaaaaa. baby need a soother?
posted by TGC at 4:25 PM PST on October 21

Another member, a sort of thorny Devil's Advocate character chimes in with.
No one's being forced to read any of the FPP's, I'm not sure why those folks that are ready for something different can't just ignore them and read the FPP's they want to.

Well, fenriq, neither you nor mathowie chose to ignore reklaw's post.
posted by KWT at 7:56 PM PST on October 21
To which I reply.
Oooh, damn, KWT, you caught me in your inescapable logic trap! Damn. I feel like I've gotten a metaphorical pungi stick through the leg.

Medic!

Oh wait, I knew it was going to get deleted and wanted to leave my tag before it poofed. Ha! I knew I had a get out of jail free card!

Look, I even got to say goodbye to reklaw.
posted by fenriq at 10:34 PM PST on October 21
And then, we come to the final exchange (so far, ol' BS might come back again for more)
tgc and fenriq:

You just must be eating up the fact that whiny liberal bullshit newfilter posts have support here, it really must make your day.

The problem I have is with assholes like you turning this place into a leftwing bitch party. Somehow you think that redundant political jerk-off sessions = best of the web. We all know you don't like bush, WE FUCKING GET IT. I don't like him either! Do you see me posting and commenting and jumping all over the opportunity to drag it out here? no.

Oh and fenriq, I bet money that once this elections over, you'll be posting many more lame-ass news/politics posts on the results and debates. Sick of the election, my fucking ass. It's wankers like you that live to bitch and moan every chance they get, even if other members don't want to put up with it.
posted by bs at 8:51 PM PST on October 22

Gee Bob, what you couldn't catch your dog to beat tonight so you thought you'd come back here and go another round?

I've had it with intolerant jackwads like you bitching and moaning about every single post that doesn't meet with your approval and pissing on anyone who doesn't follow your particularly narrow and stupid belief patterns.

Now you can see the future too? Wow, you must be really popular with people. Do you go up to women and tell them how they're going to get fat once they get married? Do you tell men how they're going bald and look like crap?

Your fucking ass? No thanks, I don't swing that way.

You don't know me, you don't how I feel about this election. You assume you can make broad conclusions based on what you see here. Oh wait, sorry, what you choose to see here. I'm nowhere near the politico-hawk you seem bent on redrawing me as.

You'll bet me money that I'll be posting things that don't meet with your approval? Oooh, that'll be easy. No one cares what you think is good enough. You want to make MetaFilter "better"? You can post something once a day, you've posted 15 things. Wow, that's really putting your money where your mouth is.

Its wankers like you who live to tell the rest of the world what's wrong with it without even considering for a moment that you're what's wrong with your world.

And bob, you're the only one whiny and complaining like a child. Look around, you're all alone.

Keep in mind that its not you who decides what's worthy of staying on the front page, that's Matt's job. If you want to run things then I would highly recommend that you go and start your own little BobFilter. Though I bet the echoes would drive you madder than you already are.

Boo hoo, Bob, boo-fucking-hoo. Cry me a river and then write a country song about wrecking your pick up truck.

Or hey, just shut up and read the posts that interest you and don't read the ones that don't. How that hasn't sunk in to your little walnut sized brain is astounding?

And you accuse me of living to bitch and moan. Hahahaha. You're either terribly pathetic or incredibly funny. I'm leaning towards the former rather than the latter since you just don't have the imagination to be funny.
posted by fenriq at 9:59 PM PST on October 22

MetaTalk Smackdown, in da HOWWWW!
posted by squirrel at 10:34 PM PST on October 22
And so, my question to you, who may have found your way all the way down to this terminus, is how would you score it?

A Short Sad Stupid Tale of Me and Blue Cash

2004-10-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

I wanted to be cool, I wanted to have the cool new see through credit card that all the kids talk about all the time.

I wanted an American Express Blue Cash card. Yeah, the marketing worked and I called them up and got one sent out.

Yep, it is a cool looking card. All mod and bitchin' and slick and not at all like my crappy old Visa and Mastercards.

But before I called the magic number on it to make it go, I checked the contract I was opening. A lovely teaser Intro APR of 0.00% until 04/05 (oooh, six months! such genorisity, surely I must call the number now!). But wait, what's this? The standard APR sits at a rather robust and sort of mean, 14.74% APR (now, I know I've made mistakes but come on now! I'm clean and damned near debt free, give with the sweet rates!).

Cash advances run in at 19.74%. Which is a bean counter's way of charging 20% or a fifth of your debt is added each year! The APR for late payments comes in at 17.99% which is bullshit and 18% which is really fucking 20% anyway. And the default rate (whatever the fuck a default rate is) comes in at a freakin' outrageous 26.74%! Hello? Who would willingly and knowingly accept some bullshit with a 27% interest rate?

So I call them up and get to listen to some Muzak for a bit before talking with a guy who tried to tell me that my credit got me that nice lofty 15% rate. And, after a little prodding he admitted that it was 9.9% plus prime. And that was the best rate they were going to offer me. So I told them to close the account and come back when they had a better offer.

So, Blue Cash sucks ass. I'd recommend staying away if you're considering a card from them. Of course, if you've got better credit then maybe you'll get down to 10% but so what, that'll get you 3.9% from the Visas and Mastercard credit companies.

Blue Cash. Sucks. That is all.

Odd Traffic Laws

2004-10-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

I live in, what has been voted on multiple ocassions, the best city in the United States. That city is Rochester, Minnesota. We have the Mayo Clinic, IBM, and lots of nice, rich people here. What most people don't know about Rochester, however, are some of the odd traffic laws that seem to be in place. I've lived near Rochester all of my life (except for my college years) and it has only been recently that I've discovered many of these unwritten rules in my commutes to and from the city for work. Ryan, I'm sure you've also had some fun experience these odd laws as well. Anyhow, let's take a look, shall we?

Blinkers are complete optional. Oddly enough, you only have to use your blinkers if you really feel like it. When you're changing lanes on a four lane highway, why waste any time by reaching your fingers over to the blinker knob. Just cut in front of people, they'll understand, right? When you're at a stop light in the left lane, don't bother to put your blinker on to denote you're making a left turn. That would be ludicrous because then you'd be giving the car across from a hint as to what direction you were going instead of keeping them guessing. Just don't use blinkers ever. They seem to be too much of a hassle. Rochester drivers have learned this.
If you own a cell phone, you are required to use it while driving. I thought that a lot of cities and states were pushing to make it illegal to talk on your cell while you drive, but Rochester has seemed to have gone in the opposite direction. Considering what a rich town we are, almost everyone owns at least one cell phone. Of course, the only good time to make use of a cell phone is in the car while driving. Who needs to use two hands to drive? Bah! You only need one for controlling the steering wheel. You also don't need to concentrate on your driving since driving is almost second nature for most. Making driving your #1 concern while driving is just a thing of the past. Rochester drivers have learned this.
If you drive an SUV, you have permission to do whatever you want. Now I know why SUV's are such good sellers--once you own one, you don't have to give any regard to any other drivers anywhere else ever. You want to merge into traffic? Why slow down and get in behind that little Ford Escort? Just cruise right into where they're driving, they'll move. Anyone who has a puny car doesn't deserve to share the road with an SUV anyways, right? Expensive, gas guzzling, excessive SUV's are the future. Rochester drivers have realized this.
A yellow light means the same thing as a green light, and the first 3 seconds of a red should also be treated as green. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they taught you that you should slow down or stop when you see a yellow light, but the progressive driving style of most vehicle operators in Rochester have moved beyond such nonsense. They realize that if they slow down and stop for a yellow, they'll have to sit there and wait an entire light cycle before they can move on. That is unacceptable. This has also lead to a corollary to this rule: if you are turning left, feel free to use up even the first 4 seconds of a red to get across. Stop lights are merely guidelines and shouldn't be allowed to rule your driving style. Rochester drivers have realized this.

These are simply the four most well known odd traffic laws in Rochester. There are many more that I will no doubt see crop up over time and when they do, you will all be the first to hear about it (unless you live in Rochester, in which case you already know them).

Babes 4 Bush?

2004-09-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

Um yeah, I thought "babes" had, you know, arms, legs and heads that include faces and hair and stuff.

But if you take a look at . They ain't got none of that. I'm not sure why but I'm thinking the "Babe" in this instance might be referring to that pig in the movies.

And yes, I am being unnecessarily nasty. She's probably a very nice, if politically misguided, young lady. And actually looks like she's probably really very attractive.

Kerry's Top Ten on Letterman

2004-09-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

Kerry's "Top 10 Bush Tax Proposals" are:

10. No estate tax for families with at least two U.S. presidents.
9. W-2 Form is now Dubya-2 Form.
8. Under the simplified tax code, your refund check goes directly to Halliburton.
7. The reduced earned income tax credit is so unfair, it just makes me want to tear out my lustrous, finely groomed hair.
6. Attorney General (John) Ashcroft gets to write off the entire U.S. Constitution.
5. Texas Rangers can take a business loss for trading Sammy Sosa.
4. Eliminate all income taxes; just ask Teresa (Heinz Kerry) to cover the whole damn thing.
3. Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent.
2. Hundred-dollar penalty if you pronounce it "nuclear" instead of "nucular."
and the number one Bush Tax Proposals....
1. George W. Bush gets a deduction for mortgaging our entire future.

And one or two clever jabs at Dick and Bush, regarding the lame ass negotiations that have had to be undertaken to get Bush to show up for the debates, 'Kerry said he wanted running mate John Edwards to stand in the vice presidential debate, but Cheney wanted to sit. "We compromised and now George Bush is going to sit on Dick Cheney's lap," he said.'
from iWon

In a Perfect World...

2004-09-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

Albeit this is my dream scenario, I truly wish Senator Kerry would take one of G.W.’s grapefruits and drive it out of the park. I hope in the debates G.W. brings up the "flip-flop" issue and says something scandalously stupid like "and my opponent takes a new view on how he stands".

If Kerry has half a mind he would respond. "Well yes, Mr. President because I'm talking about new ideas. I am reacting to new situations springing forth from national issues. I'm using new words and they are not just synonyms for terror masked in a color-coded system. I do stand for something new. I stand for hope and not fear. I stand for preparation and understanding, not fortune cookie addresses. And as president I will stand for protecting our borders and not my personal purse strings.

Now, Mr. President I can't help but notice you describe me as being two-faced, as “flip-flopping” while you have maintained a course and have not veered from it. Well I have to agree with you in part. Even today you are making the same campaign promises you made four years ago. Your understandings of my record, like many of the sound bytes you and your campaign have so strived to propagate, are half-truths. And the problem with a half-truth is that they are mostly lie. So I have a few confessions and clarifications to make. I did vote against a bill that would provide body armor for soldiers in Iraq because you proposed to pay for it with those same soldier’s benefits and salaries – and you proposed to do this two years after you cut soldiers pensions by 20%. Our veterans are true national heroes and living national treasures, and while I have vocally supported equipping our troops with the most advanced supplies available, it is not their financial burden to bear. You offer the basic level of equipment required for survival at the loss of their livelihood. I refuse to do so at the cost of not only their future health, but also the economic well being of their families. To do any less would devalue the people that we need to value most.

So here’s another confession, I supported you in 2001 as our commander and chief who in his keynote address to the country promised us that you had the highest level of confidence that Saddam Hussein was manufacturing weapons of Mass Destruction. I supported you because I trusted you. I then watched as through misdirection you and your administration tied the Iraq war to September 11 and in that misrepresentation you dishonor the memories of the people who died on that darkest of days. By continuing to propagate that association you discredit the patriots who have pledged to serve their country asking only that when their lives are put on the line that we do it for the good of our country and our values of freedom and liberty. So yes, I did change my position Mr. President. There was a time when I could believe you, now I realize that I cannot.

Too often you talk about family values without valuing families. Too often you invoke our national values of Freedom and Liberty. These are our values; they are not exclusive to your administration! Where is the freedom when your administration has strived to eliminate choice for women throughout this country? Where is there freedom when you flip flop between allowing a state to choose whether a couple can marry? Your legislative values are far more inconsistent then mine. I would like to talk about two other American values -- Life and the Pursuit of Happiness. When I am elected I pledge to value the lives of our soldiers and place them in harm’s way only when the need is imminent and the danger great. When I am president I will reform our Health Care System so that Children throughout our great, great, nation will grow up healthy with the inalienable right to live the most healthy lives possible. And Mr. President I promise you that when I am elected, I will constantly revisit my promises and may occasionally need to adjust my course for the good of the country, because Mr. President, in the past four years you have contributed some very complicated problems to this nation. And Sir, after four years of not addressing them in office, this country and I are not willing to give you four more.”

Now wouldn't that be nice?

The Bush Family Tree

2004-09-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

Yoiks, I had no idea George was related to Boss Hog! And I'd no idea that criminality was so utterly rampant in the Bush camp. The only one without some strike is Jeb and I'm sure they just ran out of steam before finding some dirt on him too.

click for bigger image

thanks to Jay for the forward. And yes, it is a joke.

George Bush Diagnosed with Rare but Growing Disorder

2004-09-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

Because I've got access to President Bush's personal physician due to having sold what the devil thinks is my soul to him (I signed Dick Cheney's name instead) I have learned what's wrong with him. Mr. Bush deserves all of our deepest sympathy because he's suffering from a pretty rare disorder tha affects his ability to reason.

President Bush is suffering from a malady called Mad Cowboy Disease. We're not quite sure how he caught it, current speculation is that he ate some diseased brains as a fraternity brother at Yale but its impossible to pin down the original infection.

Sadly, the only cure is to repeatedly set fire to his head to burn the demon disease out. Also, a bullet launched into the brain at high speed will stop its progress at the expense of the host.

Mad Cowboy Disease is marked by several particular traits: the inability to admit failure is the main symptom, a fascination with ancient history is another, the belief that everything undertaken by the infected party is "God's will" is a less common but not unheard of manifestation of the parasites in the diseased brain's function, another important symptom that cannot be overstated is the inability to tell truth from lie.

Mad Cowboy Disease is becoming more and more prevalent, its marked by a complete disassociation with reality and giving the current government a four year free pass on all of their failings, lies and misdeeds, it is possible that some minor facial foaming can occur during moments of intense political activity and periods of uncontrollable rage are common (see Zell Miller's RNC keynote speech for more insight into this phenemenon).

Mad Cowboy Disease isn't normally fatal and can be cured by removing the offending jackass from power since nobody really gives a damn about presidents once they've been defanged and pulled from office.

Prevention is pretty straightforward, limit your exposure to carriers, DON'T EAT ANIMAL OR HUMAN BRAINS (not even if your shaman assures you that you will absorb your enemy's power by doing so, its just not worth it for brain parasites) and if you feel like you may be acting irrationally and you keep basing your actions on where the most oil is then seek professional help immediately and do not purchase oil futures for any reason.

Curing Mr. Bush is similarly straight forward. Don't vote for him in November, its really for his own health as much as the nation's health and the world's safety. If you value Mr. Bush's health then do not vote for him in November, only by removing him from power can he be saved from the ravages of Mad Cowboy Disease.

An 'R' Rated Life

2004-09-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?

So, I’m not usually a fan of taking online quizzes, but this one got me thinking about my life a little bit. My life is rated ‘R’, huh? That’s actually quite a relief because we all know that just about any movie that isn’t rated ‘R’ nowadays pretty much sucks. Look at Aliens vs. Predator, for example. If they would have not neutered the violence and made it as kick ass as the all the other alien and predator movies (all rated ‘R’), it definitely wouldn’t have been such a huge pile of stinky donkey excrement.

My life actually being rated ‘R’ was quite a surprise to me, though. I lead a pretty tame life as a technical writer in Rochester, MN. I live with my parents. I only get to see my girlfriend every other weekend or so. Most nights I sit at home reading and playing video games. Yeah, this isn’t sounding like a very good ‘R’ rated movie, is it? Heck, it doesn’t even sound like a decent movie period.

I’ve given this some thought, and since we all know online quizzes represent the truth 100%, I’ve decided I should make some changes to my life in order to make it conform to the standards set by current ‘R’ rated movies.

First, instead of driving to work every morning, I am going to hire a Taxi driver to take me from my house into the office. To make it more interesting still, I’m going to dye my hair white, buy a handgun, make a few stops on the way in, and shoot some people. I’ll also make sure to get in a good head shot or two, even if the person is already dead, as that seems all the rage in today’s contract killer circles.

Since my workplace is pretty boring, I’ve decided to spruce up my cubicle a little by attaching upside down crosses, little devil statues, and dead babies to its walls. Hopefully this will attract some demons to my 9:00 meetings. It’ll definitely be a hoot to see some of my co-workers possessed by the devil and disemboweling the interns.

If that doesn’t make my day interesting enough, I’ve decided to claim I’m actually a military hero from one of the Kuwait battles in Desert Storm. I’ll make up a bunch of conspiracy theories, start ranting about how I’m being mind controlled or some crazy shit like that, and make people think I’m crazy. If I pull it off well enough, some people might even believe me and I’ll be able to topple the entire Republican reelection efforts!

Whew, that sounds like a full day of work. I don’t want to let my day taper off into a letdown, though. To remedy this I’ve invested in having a lake created in my back yard so I can indulge in my burgeoning scuba diving hobby. To spice it up (and because I think coral is fucking boring as hell on its own), I’ve also thrown in a few sharks for the fun of it. Since sharks are also pretty boring when they’re not needlessly tearing someone’s flesh apart, I’ve made sure to invite some friends over to scuba dive with me. I’ll strand two of them in the middle of my lake and make them swim for shore, but not before I smear some pig’s blood on their scuba gear! I figure since I’ll usually have some left over from the ritual sacrifices the demon’s perform in my cubicle, I should put it to good use.

With the day drawing to a close I’ll get naked and curse like a sailor just for good measure. I figure the rest of my day didn’t have any good nudity in it so I don’t want to leave that part of my ‘R’ rated life unfulfilled. The swearing is just for fun.

Yeah, now that’s what I call an ‘R’ rated life! Who wants the movie rights?

And You Thought Beach Volleyball Was All There Was

2004-08-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

I’m sure everyone has been watching the Olympics the last week and a half. Well, like any good American I have also been watching intently. I watched as we finished 1-2-3 in the men’s 400. I drooled over every women’s beach volleyball match. I watched the controversy of the gymnastics competition. I’ve watched it all. In doing so, I have come to one conclusion—whoever decides what sports go into the Olympics is on fucking crack.

Honestly, how are some of the “sports” that are in the Olympics get there? I really am curious. Let’s take a quick glance at my two favorite oddities that are a part of the supposed greatest gathering of athletes in the world, the Olympics.

First, there’s kayak slalom. Yes, kayak slaloming. In this event someone goes down a whitewater river section while having to go through slalom gates like they have in skiing. Some of them they have to go through backwards or go in from the back or something, I’m not really sure as it was all pretty dumb however they did it. I can understand having crew and rowing and normal events like that in the Olympics, but slaloming in a kayak?

I can see the scene now as a marketer approaches the Olympic committee:

“I come to you today with a perfect idea that will not only boost your ratings, but will be sure to bring in many new and untapped viewers—kayak slalom.”

"Kayak slalom?"

"Exactly. If the Olympics is in need of anything, it is definitely people in kayak’s going through gates. It’ll blow the public’s minds. It’s kind of like an X-games event, just a lot more lame…err, I mean tame for the masses to enjoy.”

“Well, I guess we have been ignoring this well-know sport. Ok, it’s in.”

Yeah, kayaks and slalom are a perfect fit. Why stop there? Let’s do equestrian slalom or speed cycling slalom or, heck, let’s have the gymnasts slalom on their way to the horse in the vault!

The other event is something I never even knew existed—Gymnastics Trampoline. Yeah, in case you’re confused, here’s a rundown of what they do. The gymnast gets on the trampoline, start to jump really high, then do some twists & turns and then are judged on their jumps.

I watched this “sport” for an hour and could not really tell the difference between any of the different jumps or athletes. They all just jumped really frickin’ high and twisted around a lot. There’s a neat animation site here. What is really amazing are some of the names for the different jumps. My favorite is the “Double salto reverse spread”. It sounds like a new type of diet jelly for bread to me.

I want to know how this sport got started. My bet is two guys were out on a trampoline when one did a cool flip. The other guy, not wanting to be shown up tries to do something harder. Doing so, the first guy decides to do something way cool. As he’s doing his jump another guy comes along, tells the two guys jumping that they’re his bitches and proceeds to do some uber-flips. The whole neighborhood then gets in on it and the sport flourishes. Nowadays most cities have trampoline gyms that you can visit to attempt your own bitchin’ stunts…… yeah, and my ass just exploded into a cloud of fairy dust too.

Honestly, the Olympic committee needs to get a clue that some of the shit that they have in the Olympics is just fucking lame. If they don’t make that realization soon, we’ll end up having crap like lawn darts or mini golf as the next additions.

George Bush's Resume

2004-08-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

Submitted as sarcasm but with lots of angry truth behind it. Refute some of the points but the overall picture painted of the man is not someone I want in charge.

via Jay.

GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U..S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in US. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the US. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004!

You Say Casino, I Say You're Stupid

2004-08-25T09:54:00.000-07:00

Growing up there was an easy demarcation between two sides of the family, there were those that pronounced the word tomato like tom-A-toe (with the A as in neighbor or weigh) and then there were those that called them tom-AH-toes (with an AH as in why yes, Ah'd love a mint julep or ah don't know what's wrong with my slaves these days). You can guess which side of the divide I was on.

Anyway, there's a stupid little song that grew out of it. It goes something like this, "You say tom-A-toe, I say you're stupid, you say tom-AH-toe, I still say you're stupid."

What's the point, you ponder?

A casino is a money sucker. I love all of the rhetoric about taxing Indian casinos to generate huge, huge sums of money for California. Its nice to think about all that previously unfound money coming into the state's coffers but think about where that money's really coming from.

Everyone goes into a casino thinking that they will leave with a lot more than they went in, that they have some edge that means they will win. Casino's make insane profits because of this simple flaw in human cognition.

Casinos stack the decks in their favor, they employ psychologists to help design their interiors, they lube up their patrons with free drinks, they all but turn them upside down and shake the money out of them. Sure, there are winners, there have to be. But the odds are well stacked in the casino's favor. You might as well be donating your cash directly to the state government and bypass the noble Indian who'll kick your destitute ass out on the street as soon as look at you.

Maybe that's a little harsh on Indian casinos, Vegas casinos will do the exact same thing. And I've always been a little impressed by how shameless, how clearly designed and how focused their purpose is. Take your money. Take as much of it as possible in as short a period of time as possible and then open up your spot with a new sucker just off the bus from Cleveland.

You say casino, I say casucker.

Same thing. But hey, if you come from out of state and come to the Indian casinos to drop off your coin before heading back to the 'burbs, thanks. Come again.

Now this isn't to say that casinos are necessarily a terrible thing. I like gambling, I like playing cards, I like playing all the flashing lights and ding-ding noise games, I like casinos, I like the atmosphere of them but I also recognize them for what they are, they are businesses designed to make it fun to give away your money. And the chance to win a few million, no matter how remote the chances, by dropping a buck into a slot machine just makes for better hopes in the end. And hoping is what its all about going into a casino, you hope for good luck, you hope for another $20 in that account you never use, you hope that you can weasel a few bucks off your pals, you hope that you can figure out how to get home, you hope that the trucker with the one crazy eyeball isn't whispering "Shallow grave" to himself as he stops to pick you up.

Spend, spend, spend at the casino, folks. And then go home. Its the American Way®! The Native American Way®!

Ice Cream Man

2004-08-23T05:45:00.000-07:00

So I was down at the Cape (Cape Cod) on the beach trying to see how much like a lobster this Irish kid could resemble. And about half way through the day I hear the dulcet tones of "the entertainer". Well actually I not so much heard the music as the screaming of four hundred children running screaming by me.

Now Johnny can back me up here. I've always been a healthy sized lad... well a little extra healthy than necessary at times, but I don't remember the ice cream truck being such an event. This boy so perfectly resembled a bulldog. Complete with angry drooping jowel, but he was also so perfectly contented.So minus all the rhetoric about pots and kettles, this little boy who couldn't be over 4'7" goes screaming by me exclaiming to his friends "My Mom gave me $20" with the kind of glee I would think only possible on Christmas morning.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I am not a marathon eater, nor (hopefully) will I ever be, but $20 bucks? Seriously? has there been a remarkable increase in the price of the chaco taco? I'm at a loss. I'm perplexed. $20 dollars!? I don't think I could spend that much on ice cream now at the ripe old age of 24.

So perhaps ice cream men of the world have become drug dealers and bulldog boy was waiting for a quick fix and not fudge, but either way. What a weird world we live in.

Snarcasm Inc.

2004-08-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

Hey yeah, I just invited a nice new term, the first in a good long while too (although, to be honest, I have invented a bunch of new words but forget to write them down and they slip back into the muck before being recorded).

Snarcasm - alternate spelling Snarkasm - when your response to another's comments drip with sarcasm meant to insult or play insult the other.

And, of course, it begets many other lovely terms.

Snarkastic - the orgy of joy that a snarkalicious snarkster gets after a well constructed snark slam.
Snargasm - see above, physical manifestation.
Snorgasm - actually an unrelated term that sounds simliar. A snorgasm is when your partner finally, finally gets around to finishing up so you can get to sleep. Or sex so boring you fall asleep.
Smarmalade - the bitter spread mean people put on their superior toast in the morning.

Suburban Thieves

2004-08-20T23:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if this is something that I should really bitch about being that it's bad luck that's almost good luck in the end... but I'm a little ticked and if you'd read this far this is probably what you're looking for. I live in your very rural suburb kind of town. Everywhere America... of the 50's in appearance with a high lesbian population to throw the social order into what I refer to as "left". Its a great place.

Now, this is my fault. I chain my bike up to a pillar outside my back door. Sometimes I'm good and throw it around the front tire, sometimes I don't and pretend I did. But finally some numbnuts decided that my bicycle wheels were really the perfect thing they needed (is there some huge underground bike wheel market by the way?). Now I have to describe my bike to you. Its a diamondback, a company I do not believe still exists. I bought it in 94 and have taken the thing with me for week long trips in Maine and biked down the upper-west coast in 98. Its a great bike.

But not really. It gets me from place to place. When it comes to transportation I'm all pragmatist (do the wheels turn when I push the pedals? check, good, done). And after a decade of some fairly serious beating I wasn't expecting my bike to draw much attention in the "ooo's" and "aawwhh's" department. So to see that someone ran off with the wheels (also a decade old) was sort of like coming home and finding out that your best friend ran off with you grandmother for a quickie Vegas wedding. It sorta hurt -- but in a bizarre, "what the f*ck was this gabroni thinkin?" kind of way.

So this is when the real discovery happened. Fifteen feet from my backdoor next to my dumpster sitting neatly against the side of the dumpster were my two wheels. Now it seemed my best friend had really just run off with my grandmother in a complete mental break gotten as far as Reno and just left grans at the slot machines. Some asswipe went to the trouble of dismantling my bike only to decide after inspection that he wasn't really interested and (more importantly) that his onetime prize deserves dumpster duty. How f*cked up is that? I mean come on now.

Now as I made this discovery I ran into my landlord -- nice guy, great guy, hippie guy -- not a likely suspect as I know he makes a GREAT deal of money off his art. He sort of looks at the scene, scratches his head as if he understands what I'm thinking and offers a "maybe they got scared and decided to leave them?". Good guy, hippie guy, so kind of him to try and console me upon discovering my things are apparently not even good enough to steal.

So, hooray... I guess?

Funny Man

2004-08-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

Now my guess is most people that would show up here already read him, but if not check Ryan's stories. I don't like his politics often but he's a great storyteller.

From the paranoid land of the Salem Witch trials, Baseball fans? Nah, we're Soxaholics.

2004-08-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

As this is my first posting ever I felt as if I should speak about something central to my heart of heart, and perhaps more importantly, central to my entire geographical regions tickah... Baseball.

Now, let me be clear: in the land of pahked cahs, we really aren't baseball fans so much as we are Red Sox junkies. I can hear your groans from here... "oh no! Johnny has given the floor to one of those damn Yankee hatin' grudge bearin' wicked bastads from Beantown! Mr. Huh, why have you forsaken us!?!?". Well, let me clarify my intention. As this is a site about the foibles of our times and as we have propped this shrine up to the gods of Sarcasm and all things contradictory, I felt that it was my job and duty to explain the most bizarre relationship between sports team and sports town -- nay, region -- nay, dare I say country worth of bittah brothahs banded together for love, not of the game, but the syndrome.

You see, we don't like baseball in Boston. We don't really care about the sport itself (which is why if you do a cross-section of where the baseball athletes come from the Northeast is kinda a downa). Our love, blinding and simple is with the notion of being the underdog. We buy into that evil empire shiznit. Our sports teams have allowed the Boston people to develop the most overdeveloped Napoleon complex ever seen since Andy Dick was given his own television show. Because really, we're not that interested in winning unless we get to thrash George Steinbreiner's demon spawned pinstripes.

We're about vengeance and revenge here.

Now hold up, I'm not bad-mouthing my people. And, honestly, I wouldn't personify us as any more vindictive or angry than any other metro-area. In actuality, I applaud our passion.

If any of you have ever had the pleasure of driving down Storrow Drive in Boston the ancient "Reverse Curve" sign on the Longfellow Bridge sits above the outbound lanes. Quote the Boston Globe, "This rather historic landmark has served two purposes of late. One is to remind drivers of the harrowing S-curve that lies ahead (for those not familiar with our fair city the rules are, if you haven't driven here, don't). But the sign's other (some would say main) purpose came years ago when an alleged Red Sox fan and skilled climber used white spray paint to change the sign to read "Reverse the Curse," morphing the warning into a now historic piece of Red Sox voodoo against the lingering effects of the sale of Babe Ruth to the Yankees."

Enter the internal fear going on in the mind and heart of every Sox aficionado, "Sure, we can win the series, but if we don't get to beat the Yankees in the process what's the point?". Its little sibling syndrome. Sure, we are the city of New England hands down. But New York is right outside our border, and I'll be honest (fighting down urge to toss cookies by munching on fennel) New York is the city of cities.

We're a paranoid people. We chart stars and put our faith in our viewing rituals to ensure Red Sox wins. Dan Shaughnessy, the most prominent prick in Beantown Sports writing, predicted seeing the Sox in the series this morning in his weekly editorial column. Shivers ran down my spine, I had to knock on wood as I was reading it. I had the immediate urge to write the jerk a letter saying, "Don't jinx the Sox Nation you queeah* bastahd!!". Looking quickly at the corner of the page I sighed. Today is Friday the 13th, that should cancel out the bad karma.

For those sociologists out there that want to get a better feeling for what it means to be a Bostonian, check out the Soxaholixs. These guys relay the daily emotion of Sox nation on a daily basis and perhaps perfectly explained the mantra of the sox obsession, "Fuck relaxation, anyway. That shit is way overrated. Give me up tight maniacal anxiety and untoward compulsion any day of the week."

Oh yeah, and G-d bless us everyone.

Yankees suck,
Grady McBuckner

* queeah: (kwîîîîîî-ah) adj.

Deviating from the expected or normal; strange: a queer situation
Displaying the personality of a flamah with a hemorrhoid problem.

Poor Poor WalMart and the NeverEnding Teatling

2004-08-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, there was a thread on MetaFilter about companies that foist their healthcare costs on the towns in which they are located because they refuse to cover their employees. And guess who's one of them? Wal-fucking-Mart!

The biggest company on the planet can't seem to afford to cover their own employees with health care.

And one MeFite did some research and found out that yes, WalMart brought in almost $300 billion dollars in 2003 which becomes a gross profit of $60 billion and a net profit of $9.4 billion or so. And they just don't have enough money to pay for their own damned healthcare? They could start and run their own chain of hospitals with $9 billion.

The logic gets a little screwy then when the poster relates that $9+ billion to healthcare for WalMart's 1 million employees worldwide. That comes to $9400 per employee per year which seems to me is plenty to pay for medical coverage. And that's not even dropping those employees that haven't satisfied a 90 day trial or work less than 30 hours a week or whatever. That's knock at least a third out of the running and that pushed the numbers right back up. That and another poster pointed out that healthcare is paid for out of gross profits, not net profits.

And yes, it overlooks the simple fact that healthcare in this country is out of control with drug companies trying to push ever more drugs on the populance and create a perma-zoned populance thanks to Zanax, Paxil, Prozac, Viagra, Cialis and all the other drugs that make life worth living again.

Bush didn't do it, let's see if Kerry can wrangle the health industry into some semblance of order, reduce the barriers to entry, make healthcare a requirement for every citizen without bankrupting those unfortunate enough to get sick.

So yeah, be careful out there, America.

Welcome to Sarcasm Incorporated

2004-08-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

This is a new project blog that I'm hoping will eventually grow into something beyond just me but for now it will be that place where rants that could go on Intellectual Poison are going to go instead.

The forum provided here is available to others, just email me with a request to be added to the roster and you can post your rants, your satire, your filthy nasty photoshopped pics (like this one or this one).

In fact, I think the whole tone of this blog can be summed up by this pic, God Kills.

Want to come and play? Drop me an email (drop the nospam) and let me know who you are.

Next up? Making a cool insty button. The cool thing is that Sarcasm Incorporated shortens to some cool nicks like SarcInc or even SInc.